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How I have sex...│Adea Danielle

Don't refer to me as a "tranny. The term "tranny" makes me feel like a thing rather than a person. Porn companies are giving their audience a fantasy.

Unfortunately, these fantasies are all too often produced and directed by cis men. Simply put: Don't let what you see in porn dictate how you communicate with a trans woman.

Many guys tend to ask questions, which is good in some circumstances. For example, once we've gotten to know each other, asking me if I'm non-op transgender individuals who have not had any surgery , pre-op transgender individuals who have not had genital surgery, but may have had breast augmentations or post-op transgender individuals who have had breast augmentation and genital surgery is fine, since it's a personal question about me.

Asking me what's the difference between a cross dresser and transgender makes me feel like I'm your personal textbook. Also, it's kind of offensive!

A lot of this information is available online. Do a little research first, please. Treat me like a person and not a sexual unicorn. Men that I've dated tend to oversexualize transgender women as these rare, mystical beings who are always horny and ready to have sex.

When I've met men at a bar or restaurant, I've had great conversations with them. Once they ask me out and I inform them of my gender, however, a total happens.

Once, when I was at a lounge with a few friends, I went to the bar to grab some drinks and met this guy. After about 10 minutes of conversation he asked if he could take me out the following night.

I leaned forward and whispered in his ear, "I'm a transgender female. To many guys, we're "good enough" for sex but not to be seen out with in public.

Be prepared for some "hairy" situations. Some girls are further along in their transitions than others.

When you've recently started dating a girl who is early-to-mid transition, don't look at her like she's Chewbacca for having some facial stubble in the morning.

We're likely to already feel insecure about it; guys or girls, please don't add insult to injury. Be secure with yourself and the relationship.

If you are only comfortable with me in the bedroom, then you are not comfortable with yourself. You should be able to be secure at the beach, coffee shop, and anywhere else.

Trans women can sense when men are insecure about dating us because they don't show affection like they would behind closed doors. A friend of mine told me that a guy she was seeing would intentionally walk ahead of her and not show any form of PDA, and only wanted to do takeout from restaurants.

She asked him why he kept doing this and he said he didn't want anyone to know they were together because she was not very "passable.

Don't stereotype me. Yes, there are some trans women who are escorts; however, that is not the case for everyone.

Way too often, guys will throw around some equally bigoted remark and then say, "Don't be offended, I don't know much about this stuff," as if ignorance makes it OK for you to imply I'm a prostitute.

Don't compare me to cis women. We are not and will never be cis women. So, when you're talking to a trans woman, don't refer to cis women as "normal" or "regular" girls.

This can come off pretty damn ignorant and make a trans girl feel like you see her as something abnormal, like she's not really a girl.

Yes, I graduated from college. When I go on dates, so many guys are surprised to hear that I attended a four-year college and have graduated.

Being a trans woman does not mean we all come from broken and battered homes, and have no education or plans for our future. We need to get through one date before discussing sex.

I need the time to know you before I can let you in my bedroom. I cannot count how many dates I've been on where within the first 15 minutes, guys are asking me about what I'd like to do to them.

You, however, have a choice: your privilege allows you to choose whether you want to walk away from the struggle that is loving trans women, or stay fighting with us.

And if you should choose the latter — and I hope you do — then there are a few things I need you to know about shame, loving trans women, and loving yourself.

A huge amount of the stigma around straight men who date trans women is actually based in homophobia. Past, present, and future boyfriends, I need to tell you something: If you identify as straight, then you can date trans women.

If you are bisexual, you can date trans women. You and only you get to decide how to define your sexual orientation. I sometimes meet men who believe or have been told that their being attracted to trans women is a form of mental illness.

Some of you are, or have been, those men. How many tabloid stories proclaim that a male celebrity has been caught with a trans woman as though this were shocking, sensational news?

But neither my body nor your attraction to it is disgusting or sensational or ill. My body is beautiful, and so is your love.

If we are abnormal, that means only that our relationship is different from the one prescribed to us by society. As men who are attracted to trans women, you already know that one of most intense forms of transphobia that you will experience is an attack against your own gender identity.

Cis men are not alone in this — trans men, too, are affected by the backlash that comes from dating trans women. What you have to understand is that these attacks come from a place of fear.

You, me, and our relationships are all very frightening to men whose sense of confidence and power come from reinforcing patriarchy.

It forces all men to question their belief in the foundations of their identity and privilege. Yours is, or will be, strong, because it is learning how to stand on its own.

Conventional straight couples have many love stories written about them: the prince and princess, the beauty and the beast, the hero and the damsel in distress.

I come across them all the time on OKCupid. But you and I are much more than that. This is insulting to you and me.

I am not something you have to pity in order to love. Our relationship is not defined by the judgments of others, or even by the violence that I — and by extension, you — experience in the world.

But real relationships — like ours — are dynamic and transforming, constantly opening up into new dimensions. At our best, I learn from you and you, from me.

We fight, we hurt each other, we heal, we grow. We leave and come back together and leave once again. Transphobia is greedy. It wants to swallow everyone and everything.

Because of this, whenever people talk about me, they usually refer to me in terms of my gender identity.

How can we not be anxious and angry, when your families get uncomfortable when they find out who your partner is, when your friends snicker at us behind your back, when we have to be wary of violence when we go out at night?

But just as I am more than a trans woman, you are more than someone who loves trans women.

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